A Love Letter to MythicalBeards.com from a Man Who Can’t Grow One
By: Robert Urban
Let’s get something out in the open. As written above, I cannot grow a beard.
I’ve tried. I’ve hoped. I’ve stared at the mirror with the kind of intensity usually reserved for people trying to bend spoons with their minds. But the truth remains: My face has the follicular density of a 15 year old.
I always imagined when I was an older adult I’d be one of those rugged Viking-looking guys with a glorious beard that caught the wind and the admiration of strangers. Instead, I have a goatee and a neck that grows hair in weird, non-committal patches like it’s thinking about becoming moss.
So, yeah. When I tell you I checked out the website MythicalBeards.com, you might think I was lost. Or confused. Or doing research for a stronger friend. But no. I went there on purpose. And let me tell you, it was one of the best self-care decisions I’ve made in my life-right behind installing blackout curtains and giving up cargo shorts.
The Itch Was Real
Even with my patchy non-beard, I still deal with the five o’clock shadow from hell. Not in the cool, “Yeah, he’s got that sexy rugged stubble” way. More like, “Why is that man aggressively scratching his own jaw in a CVS checkout line?” kind of way.
My skin? Sensitive. Like “writes in a journal and cries during Nicholas Sparks movies” sensitive. And all the drugstore stuff I’ve tried? It either burned, made me smell like cough syrup, or left my face somehow drier than before.
I needed help. But I also didn’t want to walk into a beard grooming store and have the employees look at me like, “Sir… are you lost? Do you need us to call someone?”
So I found MythicalBeards.com online, and wow- these people get it. They’re not just selling beard oil. They’re selling hope. And really well-designed labels.
The Oil That Changed Everything
I ordered a few things from them, figuring I’d either improve my skincare or finally smell like someone who uses an axe unironically. ( Just for the record, I also suck at axe throwing which is a real thing you can pay to go do. I did injure my shoulder while in the Marine Corps, so I can still have my man card without a beard or axe)
Speaking of man card, They have a collaboration partnership with Mick Foley- ( retired popular, famous pro wrestler) to create a allergen free, vegan line. I am not a vegan, but the less chemicals on my face the better. The result of this collab was a scent called Folyeti- a portmentau between Foley and the Yeti of Tibetan Lore.
Imagine if winter itself had a skincare line.
If peppermint and a vanilla got into a committed relationship and raised a child together in a forest spa.
It’s clean, it’s chill, and it hits you with that kind of cool where you suddenly feel more awake than you intended to be. Like you just got a motivational speech from a glacier.
It’s not overpowering, either. It doesn’t announce itself like bad cologne at a middle school dance. It’s classy. Subtle. Like, “I smell good, but I also probably fix motorcycles and read historical fiction” good.
And the Feel?
The texture? Smooth. Not greasy. Not Like rubbing sunscreen into your cheeks. Smooth. A little tingly. Non-irritatingly so.
Which is saying something, because my cheeks are usually irritated by… anything. Wind. Razors. Emotional conversations.
But with Folyeti? I didn’t itch. I didn’t break out. I didn’t feel like I had accidentally poured hot sauce into my pores. I just felt chill. Literally and emotionally. My skin was calm. Like, “reads self-help books and drinks water before bed” calm.
Even Melissa noticed. She walked past me, stopped, sniffed the air like a suspicious raccoon, (have you ever noticed women sniff everything- laundry, Melissa once sniffed me and said, “You had Chick-fil-A without me.” I hadn’t even taken the sandwich out of the bag-yet) and said:
“Okay… what’s going on? Are you having an affair?”
I said, “No. It’s this new beard oil.”
She squinted at me.
“You don’t have a beard.”
“Right. So technically… it’s face oil. For my area where my beard would be.”
She paused, gave a little shrug, and said:
“Well… I like it.”
And then walked off.
Which is married-people code for: “Whatever you’re doing, just don’t stop smelling like that.”
Why I’ll Keep Using It (Even If My Beard Never Shows Up)
Taking good care of my face is especially importance since I live in Florida, where I’m constantly in some kind of water-pool, beach, lake (while pretending gators are a myth), or tubing down rivers and the sun is relentless and brutal. Look, I may never grow a beard. I may be destined to live my life as a man whose facial hair looks like it was drawn by an Etch A Sketch in a moving car. But thanks to Mythical Beards, I can pretend. I can take care of the skin I do have, make peace with the beard I don’t, and leave the house smelling like a Viking who owns a bookstore.
And honestly? That’s a win. So if you’re like me; beard-challenged, itch-plagued, or just looking to upgrade your face game self care-I highly recommend giving MythicalBeards.com a shot. You don’t have to be a full-bearded warlock to enjoy great products. You just have to be someone who cares about their skin and maybe has a weird emotional attachment to cool looking designs and esoteric mythical themes.
No judgment. You’re among friends.
Final Verdict:
10/10. Would buy again.
Still can’t grow a beard.
Still feel like a legend.
-Rob Urban